Ladies and Gentlemen
by EnoughToTemptMe
Summary: Walking home one night, Bella runs into Edward, who's having a breakdown in the middle of the sidewalk. Bronzehairedgirl620 and Daddy's Little Cannibal's Epic T-Rated Contest Entry. Rated T for a smidgen of foul language. One-shot. In Memory of DLC.
1. Chapter 1

The Epic T-Rated Contest

The rules:

**1.** No lemons. Must be rated 'T.'

**2.** Has to have a line or reference to a cannibal.

**3**. Has to have a line or reference to a fireman.

**4**. All canon pairings.

**5**. Has to be a one-shot, but is allowed to be continued once the contest is finished.

**6**. Must copy/paste these rules to the top of your submission. Two entries per person. Collaborations acceptable.

**7**. Must PM Bronzehairedgirl620 to alert me of your entry so we can add your story to the C2 if it fits the requirements.

A/N: I'm so sorry, **Home** fans! I've got writer's block BAD for that story. I'm hoping that after I finish my finals, SAT II's, and the ACT I'll get back into my (slow) groove. But here is **Ladies and Gentlemen** for the Epic T-Rated Contest. Though I didn't know her personally, this story and the effort behind it are dedicated to Daddy's Little Cannibal.

**Ladies and Gentlemen**

"You're a jerk!" Bella cried, slapping her date in the face. His head jerked to side, but he still managed to smirk and say, "I know."

Yelling unintelligible but angry words, Bella snatched up her purse and stalked away. She quickly exited the darkly lit restaurant and looked around before choosing a direction.

She was going to kill Emmett for suggesting a date with that guy. Having already been skeptical over being set up, her doubts were confirmed when all her date wanted was to _hook _up.

"Heck no, techno," she muttered angrily to herself as she stomped in the direction of her apartment- which was, unfortunately, on the other side of town. Jerk-face had picked her up for their date, and she was so irritated she would rather walk out her irritation than call a cab.

Her two best friends were unavailable. Alice was busy at home with baby Jackson while Jasper was out of town at a seminar, and Emmett had taken his girlfriend, Rosalie, for a weekend getaway down to San Diego, California, so there was no one whatsoever to complain to about the idiocy of the male psyche.

Silently thanking God that she had worn flats, Bella grumbled even more as she avoided every crack and line in the pavement- not because she was superstitious, but because even in flats, the slightest deviation of the surface upon which she walked could result in a painful and sometimes expensive injury.

"How could Emmett ever think that Lonny and I would hit it off? He's horrible, and gross, and _vile…" _

She was so preoccupied with her complaints that she almost didn't notice the sprawled figure before she tripped over it. Barely catching herself in time to avoid a meeting with the ground, Bella flailed her arms before regaining her balance.

"Fuck me," she gasped, her heart pounding as she stared at the supine figure on the ground in front of her. She knelt to the ground, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of pavement on her bare knees, and hesitantly pushed the figure's shoulder.

Bella was rewarded with a distinctly masculine groan and the stranger's body began to shift. She rocked back on her heels, uneasy about the situation. After a few apparently laborious moments, the stranger pushed himself upright and leaned back onto his hands.

"Who're you?" he slurred suspiciously.

He was gorgeous, Bella noticed immediately, but hardly the epitome of proper public conduct as he appeared to have woken from a drunken stupor into drunken awareness.

"Doesn't matter," she said brusquely, standing up and attempting to ignore the captivating beauty of his slightly glazed emerald green eyes. "I just wanted to make sure you weren't dead."

She turned resolutely on her heel, intending to walk away as soon as possible- she was reconsidering a cab, since apparently all the drunks and crazies were out that night- when a low sob caught her attention.

Bella hesitated, then turned around. The beautiful drunk was gazing up at her with tear-filled eyes and a quivering frown.

"What-" she started to ask, but he cut her off.

"You're so nice!" he whimpered sadly. "Why isn't everyone so nice?"

"Uh…" Bella replied, confused. "I…don't know?"

"I try to be nice," the drunk confided in her via an obnoxiously loud stage-whisper. "My mommy told me to always," he hiccupped, "always be a gentleman. But _she_ wouldn't let me!" he wailed.

Bella looked around nervously, but the surrounding bars and restaurants contained the only nearby people. She carefully knelt back on the ground and cautiously patted his shoulder.

"It's okay," she tried to comfort him. "I'm sure you're a gentleman most of the time, er, sir."

So abruptly that she almost pulled her mace on him in fright, the beautiful drunk flung himself toward her and latched his arms around her waist. "Thanks," he mumbled pitifully. "But I want to be a gentleman all the time! But- but- Victoria wouldn't stop trying to take her clothes off!"

Bella was conflicted. She was being embraced by a random drunk in the middle of the night, on a random sidewalk. That is not normally the best of situations to be in… but this particular drunk smelled really good, not like alcohol at all. And he was gorgeous…

…But she didn't know him at all! For all she knew, he could be a cannibal, or something.

His last comment finally registered in her mind.

"She was trying to take her clothes off?" Bella asked, wrinkling her nose. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"No," he mumbled, his peculiar, bronze hair tickling her neck as he shook his head. "It was our first date."

"Oh…" Bella trailed off. She wanted to offer the beautiful drunk some support, but it was getting kind of awkward, what with him wrapped around her waist like a constrictor snake wraps around its prey ('Not a good comparison!' Bella thought frantically) and both of them oblivious to the other's identity.

"What's your name?" she asked. He lifted his unnaturally flawless face and gazed at her with a sleepy expression.

"Edward," he said softly. "Edward Anthony Cullen, 1425 Gold Street, Seattle, Washington…" he trailed off as his body slumped into an awkward position and he became a complete dead weight.

"Fuck!" Bella exclaimed as she teetered and fell from her knees to her ass with the added weight of Edward Anthony Cullen of 1425 Gold Street, Seattle, Washington.

"Ow," she mumbled as Edward snored into her shoulder softly. Sighing, she dragged her purse toward her with one hand and snatched her cell phone out of its separate pocket. She pushed a few buttons and brought it up to her ear as she braced her other hand against the sidewalk to prevent her and Edward from a painful collapse to the ground.

"Hi, can I get a cab at…" she glanced at the building behind her, "1776 Spartan Avenue? Ten minutes? Sweet. Thanks!"

Edward slid a little more until his head was awkwardly pillowed on Bella's chest. Resolutely looking up at the cloudy sky, she ignored the burning of her cheeks.

"Argh," she groaned a few minutes later, her arms aching from supporting the two of them against the ground. "Why are you so heavy?" she groused at Edward's limp form. "You're crushing my thighs!"

A glare of light coming from her left distracted her; looking toward the street, she sighed in relief upon recognizing the slowing vehicle as a cab. It pulled to a complete stop in front of her- it was only then that she wondered exactly how she was going to get off the ground with one hundred and eighty-five pounds of manly beauty collapsed on top of her.

Thankfully, the driver of the cab seemed to notice her plight. A massive man exited from the small cab, and Bella was reminded of the circus act in which clowns emerged from impossibly tiny cars.

"You need some help, miss?" he asked in a deep bass voice, his black eyes twinkling merrily.

Bella blushed. "Yes, please. My whole lower body is numb."

The cab driver chuckled. "No problem. C'mon, buddy, up we go." With astonishing ease, the huge man lifted Edward from the ground and tossed him into the backseat of the cab before turning back around to offer Bella a hand.

Finally on her feet again, Bella sighed in relief. "Thanks so much…" she trailed off.

The cab driver smiled. "Seth Clearwater, at your service."

Bella smiled back as she ducked around him to he backseat of the cab. "Thanks, Seth. You're a lifesaver."

Seth jogged around to the driver's seat and slammed the door shut. Firing up the engine, he replied, "Ah, don't sweat it. I need all the practice I can get!"

Bella adjusted Edward's contorted position until he wouldn't be waking up with crippling pain, and closed his mouth to prevent drooling before she responded. "Practice for what? Oh, and 1425 Gold Street, please."

From the front seat, Seth proudly explained, "I'm training to become a fireman. Ever since I was a kid, I've wanted to be one. I drive cabs to help pay for expenses."

Bella smiled as she met his happy grin in the rearview mirror. "That's awesome. I'm glad that I could help by making you haul a grown male around," she said.

"Keep…yer clothes on…" Edward suddenly mumbled, his arm flopping around until it hit Bella's arm. He sighed happily and eased back into a deep slumber as his hand tightened on her wrist.

"Um," Bella said as she stared at Edward's bizarre man-made leash upon her arm.

Her incredulous look was interrupted by Seth's laugh. "That one's had a rough night," he chuckled. Bella smirked back.

"You have no idea," she began. "I walked out of a horrific blind date to find this guy passed out in the middle of the sidewalk. When I was making sure he was alive, he woke up and started rambling about how he wanted to be a gentleman but his date wouldn't stop taking her clothes off- then he passed out on top of me."

Seth snickered as he stopped at a red light. "Wow," he snorted. "That's certainly an interesting way to meet."

Bella rolled her eyes at him and smiled.

  
………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Bella ended up employing Seth's fireman-in-training muscles to haul Edward out of the car and up the short set of stairs that led to his front door. From there, Bella searched Edward's pockets for the keys to his modest house and unlocked the door. They left him alone on the couch, unmarked by the night's events except for the note stuck to his chest.

_Dear Edward,_

_I doubt you remember any events from this night, and I wouldn't want you to fear that your _

_virtue and/or gentleman status had been compromised. _

_From what you told me, nearly passed out on the sidewalk, some Victoria girl distressed you by trying to take her clothes off. You got drunk, passed out on me, and with the help of Seth, a friendly cab driver, we got you home. _

_Don't worry. Other than being drunk, nothing exciting happened to you. Hope you find a girl who enjoys a gentleman!_

_-Bella_

It was only a few days later when Bella answered a work phone call to hear a much more sober Edward Anthony Cullen of 1425 Gold Street on the phone. Somehow, with only her first name and the mention of Seth, Edward managed to track her down to thank her for her help and apologize for his less-than gentlemanly behavior.

Slightly disturbed by his stalker stills, Bella was nevertheless amused and touched by his persistence. On the phone, Edward seemed appalled over his behavior towards her, and apologized profusely until she laughed it off. He made a vow to make it up to her before he bid her goodbye.

Bella thought nothing of it until a potted purple hyacinth arrived at her bookstore while she was cataloguing new arrivals. She smiled as she placed the flowers that symbolized apologies upon the front desk. It seemed that he really was determined to make it up to her.

Bella kept in touch with both Seth and Edward. Seth grew to be a great friend, and Edward spent the next two years insisting on treating her as a gentleman treats a lady. While she relished in his sweet affection most of the time, his gentleman's standards had a tendency to curtail their not-so-polite relations.

On the second anniversary of their unorthodox meeting, Edward proposed. They married six months later, and moved into a large house that was a perfect midpoint between her bookstore and the hospital at which Edward worked.

Another six months after that, she was pregnant and barefoot- literally. Her feet were so swollen with the added weight of their child that none of her shoes fit, and since she owned the place at which she worked, Bella preferred to forego shoes completely.

Three months later, Bella gave birth to a baby girl. They named her Carlie Victoria Cullen, as a salute to the clothes-shedding force that acted as a catalyst to their meeting. They hoped that their daughter would, however, not inherit that trait from her peculiar namesake.

Bella drew the line at naming the boy born eighteen months later after Lonny, however. That was just nasty. Instead, they named him Brandon Seth Cullen, after a more favorable character involved in the night they met (who had achieved his dream of being a fireman by the time Brandon was born).

Edward and Bella Cullen were happy. Edward had vowed to teach Brandon to be a gentleman. Bella had promised to teach Carlie how to avoid less-than-gentlemanly men.

And both Edward and Bella had vowed to never tell anyone how they met.

_fin_


	2. Contest Voting Guidelines

I, and I'm sure all of the other contest entries, received this PM from Bronzehairedgirl620. I KNOW mine isn't the best, but I still think it's cute. I would be ecstatic if it got put into Round two!!

Subject: Voting

Hello,

Voting is finally starting for the Epic T-Rated Contest; thanks for being

patient. Here's how the process will work:

Round one: June 22nd-26th. All entries will be included here.

Round two: June 29th-July 3rd. The top half (30-40 entries) from the first

round will be included here.

Round three: July 6th-10th. The top half (20-30 entries) from the second

round will be included here, and the top three winners will be determined.

The prizes will be either a banner, signature or cover for the 1st, 2nd and

3rd place winners.

Thank you for participating! I loved your entry, and good luck. Be sure to

let your readers know about the voting times. If you have any questions, PM

me. I'll send you another message if you advance to the next round.

-Bronze


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